What am I hoping to achieve?

When I’m lying awake in bed at night thinking about Hajj (which is most nights now), I feel an overwhelming sense of emotion. A part of me keeps thinking that the days are going so slow (my countdown is showing ‘72 Days till Hajj’), but then another part of me feels that I need each and every one of these days to partake in some sort of preparation.

Many of our friends and family members have been before, and everyone has advice or words of wisdom to share with us.

But everyone has the same underlying message, enlightening us on mental and physical preparation, and urging us to open our hearts to a spiritual awakening.

In a conversation with a really close friend of mine who went for Hajj not too long ago, she talked to me about the importance of being focused and knowing what I hope to achieve in this journey.

So I began to ask myself: what is it that I am hoping to achieve?

I’ve noticed that for the past few days, this question has been playing on my mind and so when I stare at the beautiful colours of the sky during sunset, from our balcony, and the Adhan begins, I ask myself again; what is it that I want to achieve? The answer is not simple.

The purples, and pinks, blending with the yellows and oranges; Subhanallah. How Great is the Lord Who Created this Sunset? So much so that it does not imitate the sunset I stood before yesterday, nor will tomorrow’s look the same.

And yes, He is the One Who Created me. He is the One to whom I should turn when times are trying, worrying, and I feel helpless, and at the same time, He is the One with whom I should share my moments of joy and happiness.

But I keep asking myself: “is He happy with me? What kind of a being am I? am I an ‘abd worthy in His eyes?”

So maybe what I am trying to achieve in this spiritual journey cannot be summarized into a few words, but it’ll become clearer as I progress. All I know is that day and night I pray for a deeper rooted conviction to keep striving and stand firm in the path of Islam.

I pray that when my time in this transient world has passed and I have to present myself before my Lord, I can say that I did my best. In all that I was given, and in all that I was tried, I did my best to please Him.